Ahh …maturity!
The games we played in college have lost all appeal, and the desire for the substantial blooms. Enter the challenge which, for the purposes of this note, we shall label “the quest.”
A multi-phase, multi-tiered waltz …the quest is not to be taken lightly, and is strongly discouraged for the weak & immature. Therefore this note is written for the client, the leader, the entrepreneur, the friend who is successful (or on the way), and realizes that it takes more than just million$ to be happy.
Tier 1: THE AUDIT
- Who are you? An honest and (here’s the hard part) objective look at yourself is required before you can be expected to successfully pursue any venture [objectivity may require conversation with a confidant]. I recognize that some succeed anyway, but only by compartmentalizing (or medicating) away their crap. I am recommending that you confront it head on!
Some of your crap simply needs to be faced for you to grow beyond the hold it has on your life. Other crap needs to be faced, recognized for what it is, and then no more than managed (to ensure that it doesn’t become ‘out of control’).
The good in you is where you want to spend your energy, so dealing with your own mess will minimize the need for anyone else to have to.
- Love you. Liking or accepting you for who & how you are isn’t enough. This is why step one is SO important; it frees you to get back to the real you (who you are at your core). Loving you is a requisite if you are to EVER truly love ANYone else!
- Prayer and his wife Meditation (the two really shouldn’t be separated). The desires of your heart are as real as anything on Earth, because they are real to you. To abandon or dismiss them out of frustration or discouragement is cowardly; don’t do that.
The purpose of prayer is to tell the God who loves you more than you’ll ever love you about the desires of your heart.
The purpose of meditation (an experience which is enhanced by a relationship with God & the study of the Holy Writ) is to focus solely on God, and your relationship with God …all in order to hear from God a response to your prayer. Spooky? Nope! Simply put, an answer from God will always line up with the Word of God (thus providing you a check & balance for your ‘take away’ from meditating). In other words, God couldn’t possibly tell you to kill someone when the Bible/Qur’an/Torah speaks directly against it.
- Live your life. The Bible says that the steps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord. [No, not perfect, holy, or pure …just righteous: one actively engaged in the pursuit of living right (right =according to the morals & precepts of his faith & his God)]
So, being a control freak in some feeble attempt to feel safe is not going to work. You can’t be anything but you; and, for your own sake, you’d better give them all the space they need to be who they are –because who they really are is what you want to know.
In plain English, life is so much simpler when we let the Creator of it all guide us through it [period]
Tier 2: THE MARKET
1. Projecting. The most dangerous thing you can ever do is to look for & hold on to the good in a person. Doing so puts you in a position in which you will assuredly be hurt as the only person living a lie is you! Allow a person a few months to show you who they are (as they see themselves). This is the person with whom you need to determine what, if any, interpersonal relationship you desire to have.
2. Show up. The flip side of the challenges of “projecting” is that of sending a representative versus the real you. Both sexes do it, and it places the other person at a disadvantage as they are forced to waste a minimum of 3-6 months interacting with a façade while the real you (scared & hiding in a corner) watches to see if it’s safe. The problem is, upon your determination that it’s “safe” you enter the picture, forcing the other person to effectively start the process all over as they now have to get to know you (something they thought they were doing all along). NOT COOL/ NOT FAIR!
3. Ratios. God, in his infinite wisdom, created us to do exactly what we needed to do to get along so that we can accomplish his will. Specifically? God gave us 2 eyes, 2 ears, and only 1 mouth. 
Perceived mathematically, that’s five tools for use in general interpersonal situations. Assuming a 100% base, each would receive 20% (40% eyes, 40% ears, and 20% mouth). AFFORD EACH PART IT’S DIVINELY ALLOTTED TIME, AND THINGS WILL GO SWIMMINGLY. 😉
Conversation (for the record, a two-party/ two-way experience) is of the greatest importance. It provides us facts about the other person which we desperately desire to know (yet far too often ignore, as we hear no more than angels singing and/ or wedding bells at the onset of such encounters).
Conversation is rendered totally useless if the above guidelines applied. Trust me; you really want to hear every word they have to say. You want to see them for who they are (as they are). You want to be sure to be totally honest (but respectful) as you share your thoughts or feelings about the topic of the hour. -P.S. Fluff has no place here, as it is of no more interest than drinking poison.
4. Theory + Real World = Risk Management. If it is a truly substantial relationship you seek, the threat of any one of these variables going wrong is ever present. Therefore, it is imperative to deal with each situation independent of any & all baggage from past experiences. The toxicity of past experiences is viral, and if left un-addressed (see Tier 1, Step 1) it will destroy any chance of love that may come your way.
You cannot do this for the other person, which brings us to the key to risk management: STUFF HAPPENS! It is impossible to manage & mitigate any & all risk, and to do so is to approach a potentially beautiful new relationship with a regimen of rules & guidelines likely to strangle the very life out of it. Chill out! Put your trust in God! …and keep your eyes open.
Tier 3: THE LINCHPIN
To bring it all together, simply keep God first in your life (via a relationship with your creator, not the pomp & circumstance which most religious folks exercise). This clarity of priorities will afford you a greater capacity to see & accept the person for who they are, who they are to you, and the role they are intended to play in your life (if any at all).
You have just been subjected to a Business Consultant’s perspective on love.